Coffee Jokes to Make You Laugh

By Tommy Pettersson

Just for fun, I collect quotes, jokes and one-liners and sometimes post them on Facebook or Twitter. Here I give you some of my favourite coffee jokes that hopefully will make you laugh when sipping on your fresh brew.

If you have coffee jokes please share them in the comments. I will continue to add jokes and update this article over time.

Patient to the eye doctor: "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain."
"Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking."

- Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt.
- That's not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning.

If you answer the door before someone knocks on it, you may be drinking too much coffee.

People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning... I reply - No, I just bring her some coffee!!!

A man went to his psychiatrist and said, "Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye," the psychiatrist said, "well, have you tried taking the spoon out?"

I'm sure all coffee beans are juvenile. They're always getting grounded!

What do you call a cow that's just given birth? De-calf-inated!

"I want you to drink a cup of hot water every morning," prescribed the doctor.
"You gotta be kidding, doc," I've been doing that for years, but my wife calls it coffee".

Men are like ... coffee.
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night.

I met someone in the elevator who was drinking coffee and complaining about how coffee made him nervous. I said why don't you quit drinking coffee.
He said, "Because if I didn't have the shakes I wouldn't get any exercise at all."

This guy walks into a coffee shop and asks the waitress: "How much is the coffee?"
"Coffee is three dollars the waitress said".
"How much is a refill?" the man asked.
"Free"!!!!! said the waitress.
"Then I'll take a refill"!!!!

If you have a picture of your favorite coffee mug on your favorite coffee mug, you may be drinking too much coffee.

If you sleep with your eyes open, watch videos in fast-forward, and lick your coffeepot clean, you may be drinking too much coffee.

At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and I share a coffeepot. One morning I took it into the ladies room to fill it with water. Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying some makeup. I didn't realize how long I'd been until someone slid a note under the door. "You win," it read. Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the coffeepot."

Two women are fighting in the supermarket. One quickly gets the Folgers coffee, and dumps down the other woman's shirt. The lady asks why did she do that? Her response was, "There's nothin' better than waking up with Folgers in your cup."

Bob: "Here, try this cup of coffee from Nicaragua."
Jim sips it and says, "Wow! All the way from Nicaragua and it is still hot!"

A lady came into the kitchen, sat down at the table, leaned forward, put her head in her hands and said to her husband "Honey, I feel terrible! My head hurts, my back's killing me and my left breast just burns and burns."

He said "I'm gonna help you, Dear. I'll get you some aspirins for the headache, I'll rub your back with Myoflex for the backache, and if you'll sit up and get your breast out of the coffee, it'll stop burning!"

If you name your cats Cream and Sugar, and your first child Juan Valdez, you may be drinking too much coffee.

A man walked up to a vending machine, put in a coin, and pressed the button labeled, "Coffee, double cream, sugar." No cup appeared. Then two nozzles went into action, one sending forth coffee, the other, cream. After the proper amounts had gone down the drain where the cup should have been, the machine turned off.
"Now that's real automation," the man exclaimed. "This thing even drinks it for you!"

Customer: Waiter, is this supposed to be coffee or tea?
Waiter: What does it taste like?
Customer: It tastes like gasoline!
Waiter: Well, sir, that would be the coffee. The tea tastes like turpentine.

If you grind your coffee beans with your teeth, you may be drinking too much coffee!

I have heard that if your wife/husband makes bad coffee, that is grounds for divorce.

If you buy half-and-half by the gallon, wore out your coffee mug handle, and you don't sweat but instead percolate, then you may be drinking too much coffee.

Sam: "Old and weak, that is my worst fear!"
Pat: "Don't worry Sam, you're in good shape!"
Sam: "No, not me, my coffee."

Wife: "Ouch, I spilled some coffee on my hand. It's very hot!" Husband: "Oh no, that was gourmet coffee you spilled!"

If you're favorite part of getting inebriated is sobering up with a cup of coffee, you may be drinking too much coffee.

If the local coffee shop has awarded you "Employee of the Month" and you don't even work there, you may be drinking too much coffee.

If you can thread a sewing machine while it is running and your first aid kit includes coffee for an I.V. drip, then you may be drinking too much coffee.

Bad Cup of Coffee

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

Who Should Brew The Coffee

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

The 23rd Cup

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures;
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz.
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I'll fear no Equal for thou art with me;
Thy cream and thy flavorings they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Juan Valdez.
Thou anointest my days with vigor; my mug runneth over.
Surely flavor and aroma shall follow me all the days of my life
and I will dwell in the House of Maxwell forever.

Viagra Coffee

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

Tommy Pettersson
Article by Tommy Pettersson
Tommy Pettersson is a well known internet developer and the founder of Fair Trade Community. Fair Trade Community is a community where people can get facts and information, meet and discuss how they can help to improve the lives of some of the poorest people in the world. Learn more at Fair Trade Community.

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